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Dear Kaz

I’m a 22-year-old guy and I have an excellent job as a communications manager. On paper, I am very successful, but I always feel as if I am bluffing my way through life. My upbringing wasn’t particularly good. I struggled to make myself heard and always felt that my feelings didn’t matter.  Now I struggle with relationships and always end up feeling like a doormat. I wonder if this goes back to my childhood? I feel like a fake and can’t help wondering why everyone looks up to me at work. In relationships, a woman gets to know me, then uses me. What do I do?

Seb, 22, London

Dear Seb,

Our early experiences often affect our development and shape who we become as adults. If as a child, you felt that your needs were ignored and that your opinions were not valid, you may have developed coping strategies at the time, which you have carried with you into adulthood. Perhaps at the time, as a child, it was easier for you to stay quiet and avoid a conflict, and now the pattern is still shaping your life today.

If women are treating you like a doormat, it is because you are allowing them to. There needs to come a point in your life, where you reassert your boundaries and these people know that you won’t tolerate it. Make sure you stick to your guns because no relationship is worth a lifetime of misery.

Let me tell you something Seb. You are not alone in feeling this way. You are still very young at 22, and many people in their twenties feel as if they are bluffing their way through life, even if they are the most qualified people on the planet!

These feelings can indeed stem back to feeling inadequate as a child, and feeling that you are never enough. It’s a similar mindset to that of the fat person that slims down but is still unhappy. They are now super slim, but when they look in the mirror, they still see a fat person, because while their body has changed, their mind hasn’t yet processed the negative feelings they have carried with them for so long.

It’s essential for you to understand, that these emotions can be worked through and don’t have to control you the way they did when you were a child.  Know that you can break these unhealthy patterns and stand up for yourself. Firstly, you need to accept what happened to you as a child was not your fault. However, allowing people to mistreat you as an adult is something you can take control of.

I think some NLP (neurolinguistic programming) or CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) could help you break unhealthy patterns and teach you healthier ways to address problems in life.

Often negative thoughts and patterns are triggered when we are most stressed out. Our negative emotions can manifest as anxiety, panic or in your case, closing yourself down and accepting unfair treatment from others. Your emotions don’t need to control you though, and you can master your emotions, take a step back and mentally remove yourself from the situation, then take seem long, deep breaths. Your mantra should be, “I am enough, I am worthy.” 

Things won’t change overnight, but the more you repeat healthy patterns, the more natural they will become to you over time.  Our brains are very good at creating strong neural pathways when we repeat a mindful practice. Many studies show, that it takes just 66 days for something to become a habit. 

It will take work, but it will be worth it. You have a wonderful life ahead of you Seb, have faith and always be your best, but not when it means putting yourself last.

I can recommend some excellent hypnosis audio recordings from Paul Mckenna: http://www.paulmckenna.com/

Also have a look at NLP for assertiveness: https://www.thecoachingroom.com.au/blog/how-to-use-nlp-to-become-more-assertive

For a taster, there are some excellent short videos on YouTube, which provide sample demos of how effective NLP can be. NPL Gym is a good place to start: https://youtu.be/WHSjmvBSl8o

Head over to www.uk-fetish.co.uk to read more of Mistress Kaz’s articles about fetish. Follow her on Twitter @KazBxx and don’t forget to e-mail your problems to agony@dailysport.co.uk

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