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Dear Mistress Kaz,
I have a specific fetish and it’s getting very out of hand! I’m turned on by bathing in a bathtub full of beans. I often experiment with different types of bean, although lately I have been more turned on by baked beans. This is problematic on two levels. Firstly, it takes many cans of beans to fill my tub enough so that the beans, cover me all over, and brand name beans tend to be quite pricey. It’s costing me a small fortune!
The other problem is the mess. When I was single, it was easier to get away with it, but now my girlfriend stays over quite a lot. She noticed a couple of beans in the plug hole the other day and asked me why they were there. I told her I ate my dinner in the bath to save time as I was going out and must have dropped a couple. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I’m rumbled!
The thing is, the texture of beans is amazing. They feel so squishy and slimy and I love rubbing them all over my body. I don’t want to give up my fetish! Should I tell my partner? Do you think I am a weirdo?
Herman, 33, Chesterfield
Oh, you have bean a naughty boy! It must be a real pain in the kidney trying to hide your secret fetish. Do yourself a fava and appreciate that many people have unusual fetishes. It doesn’t make them weird and it doesn’t make you weird either.
Now the fact that your fetish is threatening to spill into your personal life is a different matter entirely. You need to decide if you feel ready to tell your partner about your secret hankerings for beans. If you feel that she may be open to it, then consider telling her, but timing is of the essence. Blurting it out in aisle 3 of your local Tesco might not have the same effect as you telling her during a sexy, candlelit bath. I wouldn’t spring the surprise on her either and have the tub ready full of beans! Just a sweet, fizzing bath bomb, some soft music and two flutes of champagne. Stroke her all over, turn her on, tell her how sexy you find her and then suggest you try a little experiment…
If you are sure that this is something you must keep a secret and cannot tell your partner, then you need to make sure you clean up thoroughly after playtime sessions! Scour the bath for rogue beans and juice, and put your empty cans at the bottom of the dustbin.
As for the costliness, do you really need to buy brand name beans? You can buy budget brands, that will almost certainly feel very similar to the brand name version. Asda offers a smart price range at just 23 pence per tin. That’s a lot more beans per buck!
Give this some thought and decide what you are going to do. Sometimes, merely reaching a decision, puts an end to our self-induced panic. I’m sure you’ll be walking on air and full of beans in no time at all!