Christmas Countdown 2018


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So, after buying my boyfriend Freddy a load of epic penis-inspired Christmas gifts I literally couldn’t contain my excitement any longer and had to give them to him early before I imploded with pure phallic enthusiasm. Whilst he too failed to keep the cat in the bag (or should that be dog?) he handed me a beautiful bouncing puppy called Duke and I almost squealed the town down! Dammit, we literally suck at keeping surprises!

You can imagine my excitement when I laughed myself to tears at seeing Freddy dressed in a penis t-shirt wearing his shiny new bellend helmet and hugging a cushion of his giant face eating chicken and suddenly I heard a woof. So it made perfect sense to use this dick-fuelled occasion to take pictures and introduce our new furry friend to the world. 

Taking a selfie with a new pet is almost a rite of passage and involves the fine art of capturing the cuteness of a furry creature whilst also making eye contact with the camera at the same time and preferably looking cool. Dressed as dicks we thought it might add a fun twist to our kookie pet-parenting and highlight the fact that our new Ridgeback-Mastiff cross puppy is going to grow up to be quite a big boy.

In a pink sports bra, thong and bellend helmet I proudly clutched my new pup in my arms for a selfie with understated style, whilst my boyfriend Freddy opted for a more masculine sofa slouch with his dick-tee wonderfully positioned and inappropriately throbbing. It’s safe to say that we received a mixed bag of responses from unexpected hilarity all the way to downright shock and disgust – moreso for the fact that nobody had received a bellend helmet before and felt surprisingly disappointed in their own Christmas offerings. Fear not, there is always time to add a phallace to the festivities my darlings!

The moral of this story? The spirit of Christmas can stay with us all no matter the time of year. Why give presents just once or twice a year on Christmas and special occasions when you can truly surprise a loved one when they’re least expecting it. Life is too short not to giggle over a dick every now and then, the more carefree and upbeat you are the happier your days will become.

So go forth, spread Christmas cheer, eat, drink and be merry at this wonderful time of year; then hit your partner square between the eyes with something hot, hard and questionably rubbery – I promise you’ll be laughing about it and recounting the occasion in fond stories for many years to come.



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